Random thoughts on a single word

I'm now wondering how it is that language can have such a hold on us.  I mean I'm no stranger to its power I was an English major so language and its intricacies are not at all lost on me, but even I can be amazed by the power of it.  A single word, a small phrase, hell even just the thought of what was said can change my mood. But I think what amazes me even more is how things fit together so perfectly. 

This is my year of Hamilton the musical, and I am not alone, 16 Tony noms is proof of that.  I didn't know much of anything about him or our nation's history at that time.  Thanks to my first love, music, I have learned so much and am learning more because I actually want to.  Well this does correlate to my thoughts, remember readers stream of consciousness writing from an INFJ can be really involved.  #Hamilton has so many beautiful songs and relationships as well as the history. But from the moment I listened to the cast album, which was months ago and I'm still listening every day, I felt so connected to Angelica & Hamilton's relationship. How much you can tell they loved each other, truly loved each other, and yet they kept their relationship familial.  He made mistakes but he loved his wife Eliza, and Angelica loved her sister so that she gave up her chance with Hamilton. Plus, as addressed in the music Angelica knows in that society she is responsible for furthering her family's name and status. So they are never together romantically even though they are so compatible and she loves him. 

It is so easy for me to understand this,and yet even when I first fell in love with #HamiltonTheMusical there was really no reason I should understand.  Then understanding became experience, and it was as if my life was (once again) orchestrated to prepare me for experience. 

It was listening to "Take a Break" when I had my I-will-love-this-show-forever moment. I've only had a few of these even though I do love theater, but previously only Rent & Wicked gave me the same feeling. It was all about a comma, punctuation in a letter, in a phrase, but the power that one tiny thing  holds is so beautifully expressed by Angelica in the song that it truly pulled at my heart. The breath taken, the desperate and hopeful pause in her voice, the love expressed tore at my soul. 

And then it happened, just now in my life it happened and I am so grateful I don't even know how to truly express it.  Like #Hamilton my story isn't even a conversation, a modern letter, a text because that is how I talk to you. Damn it, you are so precious to me and I can never really let you know because I don't even know how to say it. Maybe one day I'll figure it out but I don't know how. I don't even know if there is a way to explain to someone that you love him, you know your life is better with him in it, you know your life just isn't right without him, and yet hey don't be threatened because I also love and respect my husband. I love you, and I need you, but I don't want to scare you away.  I don't want to alienate your wife because I actually think she must be fantastic- I mean, you chose her after all. 

I have daydreams all the time of getting to spend time with you, in person, just us, the 4 of us, the kids and all of us, so many different configurations and every single one makes me smile. These thoughts make me wish, and hope, and pray, that I can figure out how to make it happen some day. So now here I am stuck trying to figure out if i will ever be able to make these things happen. I pray they do, daily I pray they do.  And now I know why, you are #Hamilton to my Angelica, and I am grateful for that in my soul.

My dearest, Angelica / No worries love

Shattered

How could I have let this happen one again
I think, I think through things clearly
I believe that I am taking the steps in the direction of the path I'm craving

And here I am again, 
It's that time again where I need to get through one minute at a time
I don't want to take a deep breath because I know what will happen
The sadness will move, and rise, and grow
I won't be able to stop the tears from coming
yet
again

It's hard to look into the mirror and see what I see
see all the mistakes
see all the decisions that lead me astray

But this is harder
I can't see anything
I can't even tell if you will ever be there again
And even though I know the impossibility of you understanding this
I know of how perfectly you understand me

I'm not sure yet how to get ahead of this pain
I don't know if it's possible - this is a race I have never been able to win

Missing you should have been my second nature, not missing you at all should have been easy

But it didn't work that way
There is a part of what I can only believe is my soul that needs you
A part of me that feels completely shattered
I don't even really know how this happened
Happy was not something I expect
Attachment was never going to happen
except it fucking did

And there is nothing I can see to help get me out
or to get you back

May 6th thoughts...

I know I'm not the only person who feels like they are just so out of place in the "normal" world around them.  My biggest fear right now is that I have ruined a friendship that was special to me.  The thing is this whole INFJ mindset is supposed to be super rare or whatever, but I'm going to say that "super rare" does not mean good or easy to understand.  I know I screwed something up, or at least I feel like I did because everything was fine and now it's not.  It's a dark, hurt, the size of a really annoying pebble in my gut.  I feel it right where you would shove a fist if I were choking to force out the offensive thing....

That seems like an irony I don't deserve....

Haze

It is wet and soggy
damp and grey
This sky is docile
stagnant
frozen

Droplets cover my vision
everything is hazy
everything is stopped

I beat my fists against the air
I scream into the silence
just to hear if your heart is beating
Beating out a rhythm for me

I want to grab this peace you give me
I want to grab it and tear it apart
Tear it down to that shiny off white and bloody bone

I can't keep listening to it
I can not keep feeling it
I must let it go before 

I must let it go
even though it is precious to me
even when I know I will lose a part of myself
even when I can already feel the loss

I will throw my head back and scream until all of this horrible happiness is gone from me
I will breathe in what I do not know to save what I do

But I refuse to forget, to give in, to cower
I refuse to give away all of my happiness no matter how wrong
I will never be able to let you go even if I never again speak your name
I will feel your breath on my lips

I will find myself in the dark and I will feel you there
I will allow the idea of you to rise up in me
I will love

Surface

What happens when I look beneath the face?

What will be seen once the skin has been peeled back and thrown away?

What will become of what stays above and what stays below?

She has stood confident and tall all she can

Confidence is fake and tall is point of view

Fear is flickering right next to her heart

She begins to transform back into what she is

Leave the torn pieces behind because you won't need them

Shove your way into the undergrowth and breathe in

Savor it

Linger in the confinement

Let out all your power

Let go of all your fear

It is dark

It is wet

It is waiting for your hatred

Give yourself

Only yourself

And you will find peace

Beast

There is a consistent drumming in my head

Loud, clanging, steady

It matches my every heartbeat

Before I even know it has happened again

it claims me

Beating in tandem I am not at all confused

I am not hypnotized 

I am aware to the point of clarity

Inside I am changing,

I'm moving away from the girl I have so 

carefully crafted

The years of learning what is acceptable to present

My surface is splitting as the fiery core of who I am

rises up and claims what is hers

I would let you

I would kneel for you in complete trust

The drumming of my heart only gains strength 

with the thought of you spinning me

Pinning me against the wall and holding me there

I want to be paralyzed and have every choice taken away

I want all you have to give and even what you think I can't take

I want you to try to break me 

because I know you never will

Bound by you, to you, for you

You know what it takes to release me

Help me so I am not destroyed

Please take away my choices and let me serve you

I will be lost without you taking

the snarling black and stopping it from

crawling and giving buoyancy to more of 

my usual thoughts

Fuck me, I need you to let me taste you

Hourglass

Inside the hourglass

Time passes every day
sometimes it sprints by me so fast I can't even remember what I have forgotten
I'm slipping
If I had no place to belong would I still be moving forward

Even when I'm trying to suffocate my soul
I try to rip apart all that is good, to pummel my grace and force it to abandon me

I have a place to belong and my grace can not be ripped away from me no matter how hard I pull and yank and thrash and batter

It will not let go

I want to give into the soft and smokey darkness within me
I want to revel in all that I could be
To be able to taste all the things that are crawling just under my skin

I slice through my veins and try to force it out
try to evict the last shreds of my conscience 
Please just let
me
go

I open up and let the blood flow
I do not call out for help
I want this, I want to sink
Please just let me go

But when I look down the blood spilled is not my own
He has taken all of it
The beating, the sadness, the depths of everything I yearn for
He has torn open his very heart to give me mine

He reaches out to me and gives me back that last breath with just enough time left for me to inhale the sun