Shattered

How could I have let this happen one again
I think, I think through things clearly
I believe that I am taking the steps in the direction of the path I'm craving

And here I am again, 
It's that time again where I need to get through one minute at a time
I don't want to take a deep breath because I know what will happen
The sadness will move, and rise, and grow
I won't be able to stop the tears from coming
yet
again

It's hard to look into the mirror and see what I see
see all the mistakes
see all the decisions that lead me astray

But this is harder
I can't see anything
I can't even tell if you will ever be there again
And even though I know the impossibility of you understanding this
I know of how perfectly you understand me

I'm not sure yet how to get ahead of this pain
I don't know if it's possible - this is a race I have never been able to win

Missing you should have been my second nature, not missing you at all should have been easy

But it didn't work that way
There is a part of what I can only believe is my soul that needs you
A part of me that feels completely shattered
I don't even really know how this happened
Happy was not something I expect
Attachment was never going to happen
except it fucking did

And there is nothing I can see to help get me out
or to get you back

Harden

People say I never get angry

I'm not all hearts and flowers

But a rose-colored view of life

That I will lay claim to. 

But don't be fooled by that attitude

Don't assume it's because I'm naive 

I have scraped my way toward rosy

By breaking myself into shards along the way

It is more my seeing again and again 

What the darkness inside me is

More than fully capable of

Where those leathery wings want me to go

What she whispers in my heart

How wonderfully she twists me

So I choose rose

I chose to give control of myself over to another

I choose to listen to a voice inside

That is tiny and scared

Tiny and hidden almost completely 

Tiny and fierce

My hearts

My flowers

My colors full of rose

These things I chose 

If I don't you would only see  what is dark

You would only hear the lies she can tell

You would only know 

Truth