Hourglass

Inside the hourglass

Time passes every day
sometimes it sprints by me so fast I can't even remember what I have forgotten
I'm slipping
If I had no place to belong would I still be moving forward

Even when I'm trying to suffocate my soul
I try to rip apart all that is good, to pummel my grace and force it to abandon me

I have a place to belong and my grace can not be ripped away from me no matter how hard I pull and yank and thrash and batter

It will not let go

I want to give into the soft and smokey darkness within me
I want to revel in all that I could be
To be able to taste all the things that are crawling just under my skin

I slice through my veins and try to force it out
try to evict the last shreds of my conscience 
Please just let
me
go

I open up and let the blood flow
I do not call out for help
I want this, I want to sink
Please just let me go

But when I look down the blood spilled is not my own
He has taken all of it
The beating, the sadness, the depths of everything I yearn for
He has torn open his very heart to give me mine

He reaches out to me and gives me back that last breath with just enough time left for me to inhale the sun

Reflection

Being my own worst enemy is probably my greatest strength
I suppose it could be that I just want so much so deeply
So deeply that I lose all sense of right and wrong
So deeply that I lose all sense of what I should do
What should be done

My confusion abounds, and my desperation 
My self-imposed desperation
Since I can never leave things as they are
As they are is never good enough
Is that because I'm never good
Enough

I'm scared you will let me go on
And on
And on
You will support all of my weakness and encourage it to grow
You will let me continue on this edge
You will help me find my way
You won't give up
You really do understand my unabashed awkwardness
You really do love it

If I had more control
If I had more sense
If I just had
                       more

More

I want you to accept this layer of dust I carry
I want you to accept it and lead me to where I can change it
Lead me to where it is I believe you see me
Away from this mirror crusted over and tarnished
I know it is a difficult task
I know because I have never mastered it
I know because I keep questioning everything I'm doing
Everything I'm saying
I keep.....

In the end I just want to look up
Look up and see you still there
There looking down on me
Looking down on all that I wish I never had said
Never had done
I want to look up and still see you there
Still see what I know I remember as peace

Sarasvati

peaceful quiet is not at all peaceful or quiet for me now
my heart is aching in ways that make me
desperate
                  dark
                              lonely
                                                                  alone

my head weighs so much more than I ever knew it could
and my heart weighs even more than that

i feel as if i've lost my soul

i
am
breaking

there is nothing left of me
there is no life within me

at least, none that i can feel now

This Is Where I Want You

you hold the key to my smile, you hold the hope from my heart
you protect it in an iron fist that no one can open, no one can break it
you keep me
                               safe

I let you keep me safe

I need you to keep that tiny last fading ember of me

safe

i will lose myself if you don't
i will separate from every place that makes me....me

i need you to take this from me because i can no longer keep it safe
i want to slice it into so many bloody withered pieces
that there is no pain left to feel

so take This,
protect This
       take me
                     protect me
because if you do not
i will choose to disappear

i have lain so much at your control and you don't even know what you have been asked to hold and protect.

but i have the truth in the darkness
I am safe in you