Shattered

How could I have let this happen one again
I think, I think through things clearly
I believe that I am taking the steps in the direction of the path I'm craving

And here I am again, 
It's that time again where I need to get through one minute at a time
I don't want to take a deep breath because I know what will happen
The sadness will move, and rise, and grow
I won't be able to stop the tears from coming
yet
again

It's hard to look into the mirror and see what I see
see all the mistakes
see all the decisions that lead me astray

But this is harder
I can't see anything
I can't even tell if you will ever be there again
And even though I know the impossibility of you understanding this
I know of how perfectly you understand me

I'm not sure yet how to get ahead of this pain
I don't know if it's possible - this is a race I have never been able to win

Missing you should have been my second nature, not missing you at all should have been easy

But it didn't work that way
There is a part of what I can only believe is my soul that needs you
A part of me that feels completely shattered
I don't even really know how this happened
Happy was not something I expect
Attachment was never going to happen
except it fucking did

And there is nothing I can see to help get me out
or to get you back

Haze

It is wet and soggy
damp and grey
This sky is docile
stagnant
frozen

Droplets cover my vision
everything is hazy
everything is stopped

I beat my fists against the air
I scream into the silence
just to hear if your heart is beating
Beating out a rhythm for me

I want to grab this peace you give me
I want to grab it and tear it apart
Tear it down to that shiny off white and bloody bone

I can't keep listening to it
I can not keep feeling it
I must let it go before 

I must let it go
even though it is precious to me
even when I know I will lose a part of myself
even when I can already feel the loss

I will throw my head back and scream until all of this horrible happiness is gone from me
I will breathe in what I do not know to save what I do

But I refuse to forget, to give in, to cower
I refuse to give away all of my happiness no matter how wrong
I will never be able to let you go even if I never again speak your name
I will feel your breath on my lips

I will find myself in the dark and I will feel you there
I will allow the idea of you to rise up in me
I will love

Wane

You are a marvel
Pablo was right
And even though you haunt my dreams
In the middle of the night 
And even though the reality of you cuts me like a cross
You are a marvel
And I'll love you
Though its lost


This piece was written almost 18 years ago I believe. It's one I often repeat to myself when I need to remind myself that happy endings aren't always happy

Memory

Closing my eyes makes me uneasy
I know what lies there

I know what will come to me then
the world will evaporate
my reality shifts
my heart stalls and stutters
while I'm waiting for you to meet me

There is no logic or reason in the dark
this is my rabbit hole
this is my dark place
this is my desire swelling upward to pull me down
this is where I allow myself to die

I feel you there in this incredible surrender
this is all barbs and thorny scratches
that must be fought through to reach you
The pain of finding my way tries to stop me
to right me
to change my mind

And right when I'm about to raise my eyes to the light
right when I know it is my last chance to grab onto
the ladder that will lead me to safety
you come to me

I can feel you
I can almost reach out and touch the skin of my desire
I can nearly graze my fingertips along your face
You are that breath on the back of my neck
You push my hair behind my ear and whisper
Your voice drugs every sense I have and I want to give all I am to you
I want to give all I am to you
I want to give all I am to you

I try to pull you into me with each breath in
I try to feel your skin on mine
I try to make this cloudy, half-awake version of you solid and strong
Stone and marble so I know I can never fall

And right when I can feel everything about to align
Right when I know I will finally breach the bramble and touch you
When my fingertips can already feel the heat of you and my eyes are beginning to adjust to the darkness
I feel the sharp pull of a string

It goes through me splitting apart everything I believe you were just about to put together
It saws into my gut and comes out the other side of me
wrapping all around and I can't untangle myself

Forcefully ripping me away from you
forcing me to collapse like so many paper dolls
forcing me back into the light where I cannot see