Shattered

How could I have let this happen one again
I think, I think through things clearly
I believe that I am taking the steps in the direction of the path I'm craving

And here I am again, 
It's that time again where I need to get through one minute at a time
I don't want to take a deep breath because I know what will happen
The sadness will move, and rise, and grow
I won't be able to stop the tears from coming
yet
again

It's hard to look into the mirror and see what I see
see all the mistakes
see all the decisions that lead me astray

But this is harder
I can't see anything
I can't even tell if you will ever be there again
And even though I know the impossibility of you understanding this
I know of how perfectly you understand me

I'm not sure yet how to get ahead of this pain
I don't know if it's possible - this is a race I have never been able to win

Missing you should have been my second nature, not missing you at all should have been easy

But it didn't work that way
There is a part of what I can only believe is my soul that needs you
A part of me that feels completely shattered
I don't even really know how this happened
Happy was not something I expect
Attachment was never going to happen
except it fucking did

And there is nothing I can see to help get me out
or to get you back

Sarasvati

peaceful quiet is not at all peaceful or quiet for me now
my heart is aching in ways that make me
desperate
                  dark
                              lonely
                                                                  alone

my head weighs so much more than I ever knew it could
and my heart weighs even more than that

i feel as if i've lost my soul

i
am
breaking

there is nothing left of me
there is no life within me

at least, none that i can feel now

This Is Where I Want You

you hold the key to my smile, you hold the hope from my heart
you protect it in an iron fist that no one can open, no one can break it
you keep me
                               safe

I let you keep me safe

I need you to keep that tiny last fading ember of me

safe

i will lose myself if you don't
i will separate from every place that makes me....me

i need you to take this from me because i can no longer keep it safe
i want to slice it into so many bloody withered pieces
that there is no pain left to feel

so take This,
protect This
       take me
                     protect me
because if you do not
i will choose to disappear

i have lain so much at your control and you don't even know what you have been asked to hold and protect.

but i have the truth in the darkness
I am safe in you

Wane

You are a marvel
Pablo was right
And even though you haunt my dreams
In the middle of the night 
And even though the reality of you cuts me like a cross
You are a marvel
And I'll love you
Though its lost


This piece was written almost 18 years ago I believe. It's one I often repeat to myself when I need to remind myself that happy endings aren't always happy