Daddy's Girl

Laying here alone in our bed and I just want you here. Want is consumig me baby and I know I shouldn't, I know I'm supposed to save every bit of my pleasure for you only; but I am burning alive. I am wet and my nipples ache to be touched, and pinched, and licked. I know I'm lalone but I'm only thinking of you, only you. So I close my eyes and start to let go. 

Running one hand over my breasts, feeling my nipples harden. I suck on my fingers so they are ready to slide between my legs. Spreading my lips I start rubbing my clit. I can feel my pussy getting wetter and I want to feel your cock in me. I want to feel you fucking me so hard that my pussy is wrecked and even just thinking about your dick sliding into me again and again makes me arch my back and thrust my hips into my hand. 

I want you here so badly. I want to keep rubbing my clit and also feel your cock using my mouth like a cunt. My fingers move harder and faster, my clit is on fire and I want to cum. I want to feel this fire over all my skin, I want to let go and feel wave after wave of pleasure. So I think of you. I think of your cock sliding over my tongue. Tasting the salt of you as you fill my throat so I can't breathe. 

Finally, fuck yes, finally. My body takes over and heat flares up. My pussy is dripping and I cry out as I violently cum soaking the bed. 

 

Masturbation Monday

Musings 4

 

Realizations

It's funny the more I come into my truth the more I can see it was always there. I just denied myself or felt shame. 

Shame is the killer of our spirit. 

I am a baby girl who needs a Daddy Dom. I'm not a little or a slave, he is my Daddy. Yes I obey him. Yes I let him guide me. But I don't do it because I'm afraid of punishment, even though that could happen, I do it because he loves me so very much. I do it because Daddy knows how desperately I need to feel protected. I do it because Daddy makes me feel safe. 

My collar calms me. My blindfold helps me feel peace. My restraints keep me present in whatever expierence He is leading me through. 

The soft strokes from the flogger center my scattered thoughts. 

The shock and resounding sting from the riding crop push my brain until I'm just barely holding on. 

Then the smack of his hand on my ass. The delicious feel of his skin on mine. The warmth that spreads across my ass gains footing in every inch of my body. 

Daddy knows exactly when I have finally let go.  He knows when my brain has finally shut down and given me peace. He knows when I'm ready to give myself to him body and soul. 

This is when he gives me the perfect gift and fucks his baby girl until I am a quivering mess begging him to let me cum. And when he says "yes" I am wholly his with the explosion of my body. 

 

Envy

God I love you

I know that I always have

From before this version on my soul drew her first breath

I have loved you

It is as if you are a sold and tangible part of me

As if I am unable to feel whole without you

No one can help me

I'm drowning in your truth

In my truth this time 

Because I can never let you know

It is a painful place to be

Comstantly feeling like I will never be yours

Thinking I can never

Say to you what is in my heart, my mind

My soul, my sex

I can never truly let you in

Not all the way

Because then I will lose you

And I can't lose you

It would be like tearing my skin off my body and 

My pound of flesh given

I tearing in my brain, a split, schism 

Seeing you love her, hearing the devotion you have

Knowing there is nothing I could ever do to change that

Knowing how happy I am for you

Because I am genuinely so

Because even though I want you all to myself

Wrapped up in me

There is no rock or hard place

There is no silver lining

This. Just. Is. 

I love you. 

I love you. 

I love you. 

I love you..

Collar

 

Damè

I whisper your name to break the silence

I'm resigned to you now

Imagination gives me what I want

It makes you tower above me, my protection

I must remind myself to breathe when I'm around you

I must force the air back out of my lungs

For in that exchange I am home

My hand slides into yours effortlessly 

I stand and feel the warmth of your hand

on the small of my back, guiding me, leading me

My breath catches as you slide your arm around me and pull me into you

Pressing my body into yours

My heart pounds in my ears like a storm

Waves crash in my belly

You are my shore

It is terrifying to touch you

sadness, longing, guilt

heat

desire

I am glowing just being near you

Needing to drown in you

Please just brush my lips with your finger

Please just touch my neck

Please, just, please

Is it real, this thing?

I could make you happy,

I could make you love me,

I could disappear completely. 

     - "Do You Sleep" Mary Lambert

 

Estoy celoso

 Estoy celoso , muy celoso , pero no tienen derecho a ser.

Quiero ser ella.

Mine

 

The Gift

 

Choice

This choice was anything but a choice

I did not move a single step

Not to the left or right

I did not move forward toward you

I was forced

I was pulled

I could not have stayed anywhere other than near you

Lifesaving spiderwebs of heat enter into every pore

The power you hold is magic

The way you stay always foggy in the back of my thoughts

I can not shake you because the world would swallow me if I did

You are mine

You hold so much of me without ever knowing

If you know the power you have, you never abuse it

Because my truth is in this pull

I can not stay anywhere other than near you

Random thoughts on a single word

I'm now wondering how it is that language can have such a hold on us.  I mean I'm no stranger to its power I was an English major so language and its intricacies are not at all lost on me, but even I can be amazed by the power of it.  A single word, a small phrase, hell even just the thought of what was said can change my mood. But I think what amazes me even more is how things fit together so perfectly. 

This is my year of Hamilton the musical, and I am not alone, 16 Tony noms is proof of that.  I didn't know much of anything about him or our nation's history at that time.  Thanks to my first love, music, I have learned so much and am learning more because I actually want to.  Well this does correlate to my thoughts, remember readers stream of consciousness writing from an INFJ can be really involved.  #Hamilton has so many beautiful songs and relationships as well as the history. But from the moment I listened to the cast album, which was months ago and I'm still listening every day, I felt so connected to Angelica & Hamilton's relationship. How much you can tell they loved each other, truly loved each other, and yet they kept their relationship familial.  He made mistakes but he loved his wife Eliza, and Angelica loved her sister so that she gave up her chance with Hamilton. Plus, as addressed in the music Angelica knows in that society she is responsible for furthering her family's name and status. So they are never together romantically even though they are so compatible and she loves him. 

It is so easy for me to understand this,and yet even when I first fell in love with #HamiltonTheMusical there was really no reason I should understand.  Then understanding became experience, and it was as if my life was (once again) orchestrated to prepare me for experience. 

It was listening to "Take a Break" when I had my I-will-love-this-show-forever moment. I've only had a few of these even though I do love theater, but previously only Rent & Wicked gave me the same feeling. It was all about a comma, punctuation in a letter, in a phrase, but the power that one tiny thing  holds is so beautifully expressed by Angelica in the song that it truly pulled at my heart. The breath taken, the desperate and hopeful pause in her voice, the love expressed tore at my soul. 

And then it happened, just now in my life it happened and I am so grateful I don't even know how to truly express it.  Like #Hamilton my story isn't even a conversation, a modern letter, a text because that is how I talk to you. Damn it, you are so precious to me and I can never really let you know because I don't even know how to say it. Maybe one day I'll figure it out but I don't know how. I don't even know if there is a way to explain to someone that you love him, you know your life is better with him in it, you know your life just isn't right without him, and yet hey don't be threatened because I also love and respect my husband. I love you, and I need you, but I don't want to scare you away.  I don't want to alienate your wife because I actually think she must be fantastic- I mean, you chose her after all. 

I have daydreams all the time of getting to spend time with you, in person, just us, the 4 of us, the kids and all of us, so many different configurations and every single one makes me smile. These thoughts make me wish, and hope, and pray, that I can figure out how to make it happen some day. So now here I am stuck trying to figure out if i will ever be able to make these things happen. I pray they do, daily I pray they do.  And now I know why, you are #Hamilton to my Angelica, and I am grateful for that in my soul.

My dearest, Angelica / No worries love

Shattered

How could I have let this happen one again
I think, I think through things clearly
I believe that I am taking the steps in the direction of the path I'm craving

And here I am again, 
It's that time again where I need to get through one minute at a time
I don't want to take a deep breath because I know what will happen
The sadness will move, and rise, and grow
I won't be able to stop the tears from coming
yet
again

It's hard to look into the mirror and see what I see
see all the mistakes
see all the decisions that lead me astray

But this is harder
I can't see anything
I can't even tell if you will ever be there again
And even though I know the impossibility of you understanding this
I know of how perfectly you understand me

I'm not sure yet how to get ahead of this pain
I don't know if it's possible - this is a race I have never been able to win

Missing you should have been my second nature, not missing you at all should have been easy

But it didn't work that way
There is a part of what I can only believe is my soul that needs you
A part of me that feels completely shattered
I don't even really know how this happened
Happy was not something I expect
Attachment was never going to happen
except it fucking did

And there is nothing I can see to help get me out
or to get you back

May 6th thoughts...

I know I'm not the only person who feels like they are just so out of place in the "normal" world around them.  My biggest fear right now is that I have ruined a friendship that was special to me.  The thing is this whole INFJ mindset is supposed to be super rare or whatever, but I'm going to say that "super rare" does not mean good or easy to understand.  I know I screwed something up, or at least I feel like I did because everything was fine and now it's not.  It's a dark, hurt, the size of a really annoying pebble in my gut.  I feel it right where you would shove a fist if I were choking to force out the offensive thing....

That seems like an irony I don't deserve....

Haze

It is wet and soggy
damp and grey
This sky is docile
stagnant
frozen

Droplets cover my vision
everything is hazy
everything is stopped

I beat my fists against the air
I scream into the silence
just to hear if your heart is beating
Beating out a rhythm for me

I want to grab this peace you give me
I want to grab it and tear it apart
Tear it down to that shiny off white and bloody bone

I can't keep listening to it
I can not keep feeling it
I must let it go before 

I must let it go
even though it is precious to me
even when I know I will lose a part of myself
even when I can already feel the loss

I will throw my head back and scream until all of this horrible happiness is gone from me
I will breathe in what I do not know to save what I do

But I refuse to forget, to give in, to cower
I refuse to give away all of my happiness no matter how wrong
I will never be able to let you go even if I never again speak your name
I will feel your breath on my lips

I will find myself in the dark and I will feel you there
I will allow the idea of you to rise up in me
I will love

Surface

What happens when I look beneath the face?

What will be seen once the skin has been peeled back and thrown away?

What will become of what stays above and what stays below?

She has stood confident and tall all she can

Confidence is fake and tall is point of view

Fear is flickering right next to her heart

She begins to transform back into what she is

Leave the torn pieces behind because you won't need them

Shove your way into the undergrowth and breathe in

Savor it

Linger in the confinement

Let out all your power

Let go of all your fear

It is dark

It is wet

It is waiting for your hatred

Give yourself

Only yourself

And you will find peace

Beast

There is a consistent drumming in my head

Loud, clanging, steady

It matches my every heartbeat

Before I even know it has happened again

it claims me

Beating in tandem I am not at all confused

I am not hypnotized 

I am aware to the point of clarity

Inside I am changing,

I'm moving away from the girl I have so 

carefully crafted

The years of learning what is acceptable to present

My surface is splitting as the fiery core of who I am

rises up and claims what is hers

I would let you

I would kneel for you in complete trust

The drumming of my heart only gains strength 

with the thought of you spinning me

Pinning me against the wall and holding me there

I want to be paralyzed and have every choice taken away

I want all you have to give and even what you think I can't take

I want you to try to break me 

because I know you never will

Bound by you, to you, for you

You know what it takes to release me

Help me so I am not destroyed

Please take away my choices and let me serve you

I will be lost without you taking

the snarling black and stopping it from

crawling and giving buoyancy to more of 

my usual thoughts

Fuck me, I need you to let me taste you

Hourglass

Inside the hourglass

Time passes every day
sometimes it sprints by me so fast I can't even remember what I have forgotten
I'm slipping
If I had no place to belong would I still be moving forward

Even when I'm trying to suffocate my soul
I try to rip apart all that is good, to pummel my grace and force it to abandon me

I have a place to belong and my grace can not be ripped away from me no matter how hard I pull and yank and thrash and batter

It will not let go

I want to give into the soft and smokey darkness within me
I want to revel in all that I could be
To be able to taste all the things that are crawling just under my skin

I slice through my veins and try to force it out
try to evict the last shreds of my conscience 
Please just let
me
go

I open up and let the blood flow
I do not call out for help
I want this, I want to sink
Please just let me go

But when I look down the blood spilled is not my own
He has taken all of it
The beating, the sadness, the depths of everything I yearn for
He has torn open his very heart to give me mine

He reaches out to me and gives me back that last breath with just enough time left for me to inhale the sun

March 30th Thoughts

I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person who feels this darkness working it's way up inside.  I remember soon after that I am not alone.  Everyone has their darkness to fight, whatever that may be for you I hope it's a battle you win someday.

It's funny because I find there are many times when I want her to come forward.  This black and twisty thing inside of me.  I think of her as....well....a her, so that's how I'll refer to her here too.

She's always there, dark, and just staring at me, waiting for her moment to pounce.  And when she gets a hold of me, oh the simple joy and pure adrenaline I feel.  It's a challenging thing living with mania because the mania itself is delicious.  She comes in and starts tearing down walls.  She uses a sledge hammer to destroy everything I've struggled to build because she knows I have absolutely no use for it at all.  She knows that it's all just holding me back from what I really want.  The things I really desire.  Those thoughts that I do everything in my power to keep hidden, caged, quiet.  She comes in and before I even realize what she has done, she has destroyed my inhibitions.  My mind opens in a way that only those of us with the same problem can understand.  But I'll do my best to explain it to those who don't have to fight the beast.

For me the mania comes in the form of creativity, and I LOVE IT.  Even though I'm medicated now and my mania states are much, much, more subdued; I love when it happens.  I can create poetry, paintings, sketches, drawings, it seems like a never ending font of creation.  Every fiber I am made up of wants to take the things in my life that are causing me any sort of pain and use them to create something new.

Sounds great right?  Sounds like fun?  Sounds exciting?
Oh she is, she is, she is!  Until...

Until the spark starts to burn so hot and so fast that I can no longer control it.  She has turned from a spark to a blaze, and I am what will feed her.  This is when I start to lose control and she weasels her dark and twisty way into me.  Thoughts that threaten my marriage come into my mind.  Thoughts that make me question my Lord.  Thoughts that make me doubt everything I've worked for as a human child of God.  I feel guilty about things I want, things I'm thinking about.  Actions I feel I wish I could take....
Actions I'm terrified I would take if offered.

She holds me down and starts to wrap me up in her sick lullaby of ego and promise.

This is where the story changes for me.  Thankfully this time, and the last 326, and hopefully the infinite number to come, the story changes.

My Father speaks to me.  He holds my heart in His hands, my soul is only His to keep.  He loves me still.  He loved me then.  He will love me until the end of time.  That grace I have been given for not a single reason sustains me.  I can make it through the dark times.  Sometimes I may even make it through unscathed.  But even if I don't He is still there, He still loves me.

There are no checks and balances to Him.  One sin, 100 sins, heck even thousands of sins every day will never stop His love.

And no, just like I will always have to take my meds, like it or not; knowing this does not change the fact I need to follow the Lord's example in Jesus.  I need to love my fellow man, and that includes me.  I need to remember that compassion needs to be paramount in my life.  None of this means that I should just keep sinning.  No, it is not a "free pass" as it were.  I should try to do better every single day because He loves me.  If I love the Lord then I should want to do what He asks of me.  But even so when I do fail He will still be there every time with the same infinite love, compassion, grace.

Supernova

There is a universe inside her

An entire universe swirling, and gliding, and growing inside her

She holds the key to everything 

I can lose myself in her

There are no sharp angles, no corners,

nothing hard just swells of soft skin that rise up to me

I could take forever and just trace all her lines with fingertips that are dying to learn her
I have hands that fit to her hips with perfection
She has lips that mold into song

The Girl

Here she is
I watch her move across the tile
I see how beauty and grace is growing in her
I see how she is blooming right before our eyes
This girl is beauty of the most perfect kind

This seed of a woman is already fierce
She is growing and learning faster than I ever
believed possible
Her footing grows more confident every day

She has fear
She has pain
She has sadness and hurt

But this girl stands back up
She stands back up
She    stands    back    up 
and demands to be seen over and over again

She is all scraped knees and bruised elbows
She is painted in a myriad of colors
sunshine yellow, mossy greens, chalk dust blues and reds
Her laughter creates perfect sparkles in my vision

She is just beginning and yet I can see what is growing inside her
I can see the strength she has yet to unleash
I can feel the love she will one day give
I can hear the song her spirit will one day sing
And I just pray for the faith to help her see it all through

For one day this girl will let go of my hand
She will step into the light
She will walk away from me no longer with grace growing in her
She will be fully opened to the world
Her lines will be soft and full of power

This girl will forge a path that I can only begin to fathom
This girl will show me what it means to be a woman

One day I will have to force her protector to let her go
One day I will have to remind her he never can

And yet she will still move forward and away
I will watch as the knobby knees and messy hair
turn into beautiful long legs and a crown of beauty upon her
I will never be able to hold back the joyful tears
As she rises toward the sky